Man and Wife Watching a Dumb Romantic Comedy
Vin wasn’t home from work yet, so I switched on the TV. I began watching a movie called “Something Borrowed” with Kate Hudson and Wife #3 from Big Love. I immediately recognized that this movie was very, very terrible–just pure utter drivel–and that a night of Sports Center was on the horizon once Ol’ Long Hair (my husband, if you’re new here) walked through the door.
I kept it on anyway, because I’d had a long day at work and needed to engage in something requiring very little brain activity on my part. This film fit the bill perfectly.
Vin walked through the door and toward the TV. “What is this?” He said it like he just caught a 5-year-old using Magic Markers to graffiti the living room wall.
“It’s a movie,” I said. “It’s a romantic comedy featuring Kate Hudson. It’s awful and I’m enjoying myself.”
He made a little huff-puff noise and plopped down on the couch beside me. But before he sat, he grabbed his dinner from the counter and brought it over to the couch so he could eat it from his lap like a real American.
And now I was excited. I had a partner in watching this terrible movie, and sometimes watching something very terrible (with someone who is very funny, like my husband) is a lot more enjoyable than watching some boring high-quality movie. This is my rationale for occasionally torturing him with insipid programming like “The Bachelor”. I don’t watch it because I believe in fairy-tale endings; I watch it to see Long Hair clutch his invisible pearls and shriek “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry!” as goopy mascara landslides down the cheekbone of another ousted blonde on her way back to Ohio.
I caught Vin up to speed and gave him the synopsis of this galactic turd: Big Love Wife #3 is a lawyer who met some handsome, boring guy in law school. She had a crush on him, but was shy and did nothing. One night she introduced him to her friend (Kate Hudson) who was loud, and bold and all Kate-Hudsony. Now Boring Guy and Kate Hudson are getting married, and Big Love Wife and Boring Guy realize they’re in love and have an affair right before the wedding and we’re manipulated to root against Kate Hudson whose best friend is sleeping with her fiance. Ugh. I love it when Hollywood romanticizes cheating.
But don’t believe me when I call this movie gross. Here’s what the critics had to say:
“Some of the most utterly unlikable characters you’ve ever met. The exception is Kate Hudson’s Darcy, who is completely detestable.” – Ken Hanke
“No romantic drama has ever been so misguided and eager for you to root against its characters. This tacky, morally abhorrent film is unbearable.” – Shaun Munro
“Gah! This movie is soooo terrible!! ” His hands became fists, then flailed through the air. He was visibly upset. He looked like someone had just offended his mother.
And then he got all Queens on me. If you live outside the Tri-state area and are having a hard time imagining this, try reading this in the voice of Joe Pesci from “My Cousin Vinny”, but picture him much taller, thinner and dressed like a surfer. Also, if you’re my grandmother, one of Vin’s relatives, or someone who is offended by male humor…earmuffs.
“This is THE WORST! My BALLS could have written a better screenplay!”
I thought to myself: I’d really like to see them try.
He was really fired up now. “You know what’s good about this movie, Jenn? It shows us we can do anything. Do you KNOW how many people have to read over a script before a movie is made? How many approvals it has to get? The fact that this piece of S*it got made means there’s hope for us. That’s it. We need to write a screenplay.”
The ranting and raving continued on through the film, to the point where I’m pretty sure I heard more of Vin’s dialogue than the on-screen characters’. I wasn’t complaining.
And then it was over. A completely ambiguous ending that left us both feeling empty and unsatisfied. “That was the WORST ending in a movie I’ve ever seen!!” Vin was in a full-blown rage now. We bee-lined for the bed to simmer down and decompress. But before he crawled under the duvet, he grabbed his laptop so he could surf the internet before falling asleep. Like a real American.
He spent the next 35 minutes on IMDB looking for people to blame.
“Who produced this?! What? Hilary Swank put up money for this turd? Oh my GOD! Who’s the writer of this? THAT guy was the cinematographer! What is he doing??”
He wasn’t finished.
“Guess how much this movie cost to make? GUESSS?????!!!! Nope, higher. Higher!! 25 MILLION dollars! And it made SIXTY!! Whyyyyyy??”
I joined him in his anger, because he’s always asking me to be more supportive. We discussed the film at length, until the point of utter exhaustion. Eventually his tone went from boiling to a low simmer, and he was back to the sweet, soft-spoken Long Hair I know and love.
“But Jenn, it doesn’t really matter what it is. It’s always fun for me to watch a movie with you.”
“Awwww,” I replied. “That’s very sweet. Goodnight, Vin.”
I reached over and turned off the lamp.
“That movie was really fucking terrible though.”