If I’d known I was going to stand near Scar-Jo, I wouldn’t have worn polyester.
A day in the life: Movie Premiere Edition
9 am- 5 pm: Regular workday stuff. Saw therapy clients. Offered support. Processed feelings. Drowned in paperwork.
5:15: Someone tells me I’m cross-eyed. Perfect time to go to a movie premiere starring my Hollywood crush Dimples McGee (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and relentless sexpot Scarlett Johansson.
5:30: Exercise poor judgement. Decide to walk to Vin’s job on very humid day wearing 100% polyester vintage dress. 16 blocks, 7 avenues. Sweat. Wet. Got it going like a turbo jet.
6:15: Arrive at theater. Am instructed to meet Vin out back (by the trash cans) in lieu of out front (on the red carpet). Tell myself this is probably how Beyonce sneaks into buildings. Still, it’s hard to feel sexy when dripping in sweat and standing next to garbage.
7:00: Wait inside theater lobby as actors walk red carpet giving interviews. Meet Vin’s big boss for the first time. He asks me why I married him. Sounds like a trick question. I say, “Oh, because he’s such a hard worker, of course.”
7:01: Taped “kick me” sign to my own back.
7:10: Commence top-notch people-watching. First in are a few older folks, who seem above the hooplah of ogling young Hollywood. One woman has short buzzed hair, a big drapy scarf and socks with sandals. She looks like a therapist. These are my people. They head straight to their seats.
7:11: Park myself in corner right before the screening room entrance. No one is getting past me. I live for this.
7:12: Oh, hello Sean Lennon. You are looking quirky and artsy this evening.
7:13: Queens in the house! Three guys who look like the second coming of Entourage walk past, quickly followed by an aqualine Adrien Brody.
7:20: Sonic boom outside. It is poooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrring. Vin and other staff head out front to check on the tent covering red carpet. This could get sloppy. So many pro blow-outs shot straight to hell.
7:25: People are dripping.
7:31: Two unimaginably stunning models walk in wearing outfits that showcase all of their best features. One laments: “I bet my hair looks fab.”
7:32: Want to ask if she’s ever looked at her own legs. If she had, she’d realize no one cares about her hair. Hold tongue instead.
7:33: Ask Vin’s boss about models, “Are those people even human?” He confirms– no. I thank him for validating my feelings.
7:35: OMG Melanie Griffith weighs 10 pounds.
7:36: Mr. Big Chris Noth is here again, with his eyebrows and popcorn.
7:37: Two women wearing sequins are chatting in the lobby. One yells “Angela!” in a New York accent and asks her to hold her popcorn while she runs to the bathroom. You’ll see why this is awesome in three minutes.
7:40: Tony Danza walks past.
7:45: The three big stars of the film walk in — Julianne Moore in a glamorous black dress, Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a casual suit, and Scarlett Johanssen in sex appeal. Not sure why everyone describes her as “curvy” though; she looks pretty damn thin to me. They all do.
8:00: Movie time! It’s Don Jon–the one with Jersey accents and spandex and lots of porn clips. Fun to watch. Got big laughs from me several times (Tony Danza steals the show). Glad I’m not sitting next to my mother though.
8:20: The three guys who looked like the cast of Entourage are basically Joseph Gordon Levitt’s entourage in the movie. Two points casting team.
10:00: In the car heading home with Vin and co-workers. Processed and validated thoughts and feelings about the evening. Another day in the life of a therapist.