Much To My Delight

Much To My Delight


I never dated online, but here’s the profile I’d write if I did…

I was chatting with my friend J last week, who was regaling me of tales from his dating days. J is a happy newlywed now, but had quite the adventure with online dating before meeting his bride, who reeled him in with a profile that featured her pretty long hair and a promise to introduce suitors to the best pierogies in New York City. He had so many funny stories to share that I felt a slight twinge of regret that I never had the opportunity to date online. I imagine it would have been a very frustrating process weeding out the foxes among the freaks, but there is part of me that feels I missed out on tons of great fodder material. I’m happily hitched, but this thought breaks my little heart.

And so I’ve taken it upon myself to conjur up a dating profile. Let’s see if my milkshake still brings all the boys to the yard.

 

Username: Sweet Lady J
Tagline: Ooooh, love to love you baby
Age: somewhere between NHS and AARP
Physique: A little softer than it used to be, but still holding up pretty good
Have Children? What do you think?

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ABOUT ME: I am a 27-year-old (just go with it) nice white lady with a decent head of hair and a very, very slight Texas twang.  I make terrible pancakes but fabulous huevos rancheros. I’m rotten at math but great with word puzzles. I avoid phrases like champs, totes, adorbs, and mani/pedis, but overuse the word “dude” to criminal extent. I sing every time I go to the bathroom to pee, which you’ll quickly notice is way too often. I like to wander aimlessly and follow directions very loosely which usually ends in frustration for everyone around me. I’d love to accompany you to the park, a great café or a tango class but don’t take me to a movie because I’ll probably fall asleep. I’ve never been described as a stage-5 clinger; in fact, I’m far more likely to never return your phone calls. I work as a therapist, but promise to avoid diagnosing you with a mental illness until at least date five.

ABOUT YOU:  You’re sweet to animals and children and your parole officer has nothing but nice things to say about you. You’re the type of guy who doesn’t need to be reminded to put the seat down and says excuse me after making funny noises. You have enough body hair to make you look masculine but not so much that I’m going to be spending my Friday nights shaving your back.

ABOUT US: We’ll be the couple everybody wants to be–the kind that wears matching footie pajamas on Christmas morning and posts adorable footage of our duets on Youtube.

For Fun: correcting grammar mistakes, watching other peoples’ pets frolic at the dog park, reading cookbooks full of recipes I never intend to make, repurposing cheap crap from the dollar store
Favorite Hot Spots: Michael’s craft store, TJ Maxx, ethnic grocery stores
Last Book Read: “The Dinner” because I prefer reading about sociopaths to dating them

 

me 026DSC_7991swingjenn photo(Nothing wrong with putting up a pic that’s more than 5 years old. shhh…I’m 27 remember?)

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Closing Pitch:  I have no communicable diseases, I always share my toys and I’ve never lost my temper in a public place. Also, I get drunk off one margarita, so if you’re on a budget, I’m a pretty safe bet.

Jenn P.

30-something psychotherapist. Loves cooking, hosting parties, exploring new places. Texan by birth. New Yorker by choice. Likes to tell little stories. Pull up a chair; I'll tell you one.

  • http://www.with-an-open-mind.com/ Ksenija @ With An Open Mind
    Hahaha, love it. Yours would be the most popular profile around. If the “about us” wasn’t convincing enough the picture with the teddy bears would definitely be – scare alert :D !
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      Thanks Ksenija! (I love your name, btw). That teddy bear picture is so creepy, isn’t it? Haha- I loves it!
  • http://writemeg.com/ Meg
    Oh, the stories . . . whew! I actually met my husband online after two months on a dating site, and he was my third date that week. I can honestly say that everyone I met was very kind and represented themselves appropriately (like, no one said he was 6’1″ and turned out to be 5’2″ in stacked boots), but Spence was definitely the cream of the crop. :) Love the profile . . . you would indeed be quite popular! A sense of humor carries you a long way online, that’s for sure. I cracked a few “jokes” (I use that term loosely) in mine, and almost every man who contacted me would mention them.
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      Seems like kind of have to navigate the world of online dating with a sense of humor. Glad your Spencer rose to the top and that you had a good experience overall. So many of my friends have had horror stories to share.
  • http://avoidingatrophy.com/ Christy O’Shoney
    I absolutely love this! You are awesome. While being in a relationship is fantastic, I often wonder what my life would have been like in the online dating space. This was so fun to read.
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      Thanks, Christy! Appreciate the nice feedback. I always enjoy what you write.
  • http://www.tossingthescript.com/ Rachel Sedaker
    Ha! If I were a dude, I’d date you based on that profile. Which reminds me, I need to set up a profile now that I’m single- and you’ve given me some good inspiration! ;)
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      It’s nice to know that I could be appealing writing this way. Good to know I’ve still got it:). I don’t know what I’d write if it was a REALLY REAL profile.
      This morning on the Today show, they ran a story about a woman who wrote a fake ad that was just horrible as a social experiment to see how many men contacted her. It was littered with spelling errors and she presented herself as a total flake who was really childish and selfish– 500 hits.
  • RheelDaze
    I just fucking love this. The picture with the teddy bears is priceless and I’m totally down with the awesome comments from his parole officer. I tried the online dating thing for a bit. It was during a five year long period where I was living with my brother and we were starting to think we were getting in each other’s way relationship wise. So I, against ALL better judgement, created one of these profiles. I even convinced my brother to do the same. The dating site matched us. No joke. And the worst part was my brother rated me only four out of five stars! I was like WTF? Why only four stars? And he says “I know what it’s like to live with you.” What an asshole.
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      NOOOOOO!!! HAHAHA! Where is the post about this?? That is a gem of a story!
  • Mallory
    If I ever decided to take the plunge and join an online dating site, I’m contacting you to write my bio. :)
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      Sign me up, sister.
  • http://www.thelocusofstyle.com/ Emily Lunstroth
    hahahah YES please edit my bio…bc confession I have one on JDate and it is a sad sad sight. wow not you know that I feel insecure working out AND have a online dating profile…I really am cool!
  • http://www.coralsandcognacs.com/ Hallie Wilson
    Oh my God, I’m dying. That last line is perfect! You are hilarious – and yes, if I ever test the waters in online dating, I’m tapping you to write my bio!