I never dated online, but here’s the profile I’d write if I did…
I was chatting with my friend J last week, who was regaling me of tales from his dating days. J is a happy newlywed now, but had quite the adventure with online dating before meeting his bride, who reeled him in with a profile that featured her pretty long hair and a promise to introduce suitors to the best pierogies in New York City. He had so many funny stories to share that I felt a slight twinge of regret that I never had the opportunity to date online. I imagine it would have been a very frustrating process weeding out the foxes among the freaks, but there is part of me that feels I missed out on tons of great fodder material. I’m happily hitched, but this thought breaks my little heart.
And so I’ve taken it upon myself to conjur up a dating profile. Let’s see if my milkshake still brings all the boys to the yard.
Username: Sweet Lady J
Tagline: Ooooh, love to love you baby
Age: somewhere between NHS and AARP
Physique: A little softer than it used to be, but still holding up pretty good
Have Children? What do you think?
ABOUT ME: I am a 27-year-old (just go with it) nice white lady with a decent head of hair and a very, very slight Texas twang. I make terrible pancakes but fabulous huevos rancheros. I’m rotten at math but great with word puzzles. I avoid phrases like champs, totes, adorbs, and mani/pedis, but overuse the word “dude” to criminal extent. I sing every time I go to the bathroom to pee, which you’ll quickly notice is way too often. I like to wander aimlessly and follow directions very loosely which usually ends in frustration for everyone around me. I’d love to accompany you to the park, a great café or a tango class but don’t take me to a movie because I’ll probably fall asleep. I’ve never been described as a stage-5 clinger; in fact, I’m far more likely to never return your phone calls. I work as a therapist, but promise to avoid diagnosing you with a mental illness until at least date five.
ABOUT YOU: You’re sweet to animals and children and your parole officer has nothing but nice things to say about you. You’re the type of guy who doesn’t need to be reminded to put the seat down and says excuse me after making funny noises. You have enough body hair to make you look masculine but not so much that I’m going to be spending my Friday nights shaving your back.
ABOUT US: We’ll be the couple everybody wants to be–the kind that wears matching footie pajamas on Christmas morning and posts adorable footage of our duets on Youtube.
For Fun: correcting grammar mistakes, watching other peoples’ pets frolic at the dog park, reading cookbooks full of recipes I never intend to make, repurposing cheap crap from the dollar store
Favorite Hot Spots: Michael’s craft store, TJ Maxx, ethnic grocery stores
Last Book Read: “The Dinner” because I prefer reading about sociopaths to dating them
Closing Pitch: I have no communicable diseases, I always share my toys and I’ve never lost my temper in a public place. Also, I get drunk off one margarita, so if you’re on a budget, I’m a pretty safe bet.