Much To My Delight

Much To My Delight


Live Blogging the Bachelor. Yes, I watch it.

So, I’m not proud of it or anything but uh….I watch The Bachelor. For any of you who thought I was somehow too intelligent or thoughtful to get sucked into reality garbage, I am sorry to disappoint you. Hell, I even did a quick stint in reality dating myself (Elimidate, 2003!). But for those of you who also watch this hypnotically turdy television show, Welcome!

This year’s bachelor is a farmer from Iowa named Chris. He’s big and blonde, and the producers love to film him washing his gloriously hairless chest in his conveniently placed outdoor shower. Farmer Chris–that’s Prince Farming, to you and me– lives in a town with only 450 people in it, so finding a proper woman to tend his hearth and harvest has proven really challenging. The good news is that going on The Bachelor should totally increase his chances of finding a nice girl to bring home to meet his mother and his potatoes. Because that’s just what every budding makeup artist or dance instructor in head-to-toe sequins and fake eyelashes who goes on a reality show aspires to do — move to a farm in Iowa.

group of ladies abc

photo from abc.com

This was the second episode, so he’s already knocked the group down from 30 to like 20 or 25, or 15 or 7. Honestly, all these girls start looking alike to me, and I can’t keep track of them, and I really can’t believe he actually knows all their names. I continue to imagine an embarrassed PA hiding in the bushes, holding up cue cards with names, ages and professions on them. By the way, did you know that “Sports Fishing Enthusiast” is a job now?

Tonight’s the first group date, so Farmer Chris takes six ladies to race tractors in downtown LA because… he’s a farmer! This is totally what life is like back home in Iowa! Oh! And by the way, the women have to walk through the city streets in bikinis and high heels on the way to mount their tractors. I don’t know much about Iowa or tractors or farm life,  but if this is the official audition for becoming a farmer’s wife I just got insulted on six womens’ behalf. I wouldn’t walk down a city street in a bathing suit for a yearly membership to his CSA.

After the tractor race, he chooses to spend some one-on-one time with a gal named Mackenzie. She looks about 12, but she wears overalls and named her son after a vegetable, so she might actually be the best match for a farmer.

Far be it from me to judge, but the girl named her son Kale, for chrissakes.  I mean, she’s only 21, so I get that she wanted to go with a trendy vegetable, but I just feel like she’s going to regret that choice down the line. She should have gone with something really classic and masculine like Chive or Fennel. Rutabaga has a nice ring to it.

Anyway, they’re drinking beers in a bar and she tells him she only dates guys with big noses. He’s a little offended that she just told him he has a big shnozz, then she really tries to woo him by talking about aliens.  Clearly she’s forgotten some of the basics of adult conversation since having a kid. She gets really fidgety and nervous because she’s going to reveal to Chris that she has a baby, but dagnabbit, he handled it like a gentleman and didn’t flinch or burst out laughing when she told him her kid’s name was Kale. Which is more than I can say for myself.

For the second group date, another group of women join Farmer Chris on a nighttime zombie hunt. When you’re on a voyage to find your life mate, this is the kind of event that really separates the wheat from the chaff.  Once all the zombies were dead, the group of 12 popped some champagne while leaning on bales of artfully placed hay. He compliments his eleven girlfriends and says “You guys really killed it today.” That Chris. So punny. And so little body hair.

The losers back home who didn’t get picked for the group dates get drunk and twerk on the bathroom wall while wearing clay masks. One gets completely blitzed and does a monologue mocking all the hair on a fellow contestant’s butt. Now that’s just tacky.

This leads me to wonder: What happens after THE FINAL ROSE in these womens’ professional and personal lives? Won’t every potential suitor think they’re a little warped for going on The Bachelor, and won’t every potential employer youtube the shit out of their episodes before calling them in for an interview? Can they ever be taken seriously again?

fields of glory

photo by abc.com

But tonight, no one cares about all that. Tonight is all about lip gloss and winged hairdos and low-cut evening gowns. And roses–a very finite amount of roses. A girl with Kim Kardashian’s face who’s dressed like she arrived at the mansion via genie bottle or magic carpet just admitted to Mackenzie (Kale’s mother) that she’s a 26-year-old virgin. The jig is clearly up on that front for the young mother, and she admits to being extremely jealous that the cards are now ever in the virgin’s favor because Chris seems like the type of guy who would really prefer his produce organic, so to speak. The next clip shows the virgin making out with Prince Farming with such intensity I’m pretty sure we all just witnessed the nation’s first live tonsillectomy.

Final roses distributed. One girl trips on the carpet. Furious laughter. Now the cut girls are making their exits one by one. Egregious crying. Why do people sign up for this?

My heart is full of emotion. I feel sad for the girls who got sent  home, the ones who must now explain their behavior to their bosses and families. I feel concern for the girl from Brooklyn, who I’m fairly certain was floridly psychotic on national TV and is grossly being kept around for entertainment value. And I too find myself jealous of the virgin.

I could never get my ponytail that shiny.

 

Jenn P.

30-something psychotherapist. Loves cooking, hosting parties, exploring new places. Texan by birth. New Yorker by choice. Likes to tell little stories. Pull up a chair; I'll tell you one.

  • http://writemeg.com/ Meg
    Oh, I loved your recap! I was a devoted “Bachelor” watcher when I lived at home — it was my Monday guilty pleasure with my mom and sister. I missed quite a few seasons, but I came back for this one. Now that I’m on my own, it’s far less fun to watch alone in your sweats while you’re heavily pregnant and stuffing your face with salt-and-vinegar chips. Still! I persist! And I don’t know why. But it’s just mindless, ridiculous entertainment that sometimes makes me feel bad for enjoying it . . . but, eh. They signed up for it. Mackenzie is soooo young. Like, REALLY. Really. I think she said “like” 50 times during their bar date, and all I could think was whether she should legally be sitting around so many drinkers. Chris seems light-years ahead of her, but you’re right: given she has a kiddo named Kale and seems all in touch with nature, perhaps she actually would be a good fit for him? But when she went on her wistful rant about how she wishes she, too, was a virgin, I thought, GIRLFRIEND, PLEASE. And what is up with the whacko zombie lady (Sarah, I believe)? Is she on prescription drugs? I was kind of glad another contestant shed a little light on all that by saying, “Viewers probably wonder whether some of these people are actresses . . . and I’m here to tell you: no. Chick is nuts.” Or some variation of that. Because I was totally thinking she was an actress. I have a conspiracy theory that, through until the final rounds, the producers get to reserve a single pick for themselves to ensure good television. Not that a classless, drunken butt hair conversation wouldn’t make for good TV on its own. But, you know. (And sorry for writing you a monologue about “The Bachelor” . . . who knew I had so much to say?!)
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      The producers TOTALLY pick people to stick around for entertainment value. That’s why the drunk got through in the first round. She was hilarious and they knew it. I do often wish I had another female spirit on the couch with me, but if I can convince Vin to watch, he adds some incredibly pithy commentary that makes the experience that much more fun. Sarah is either high as a kite, or mid manic episode. He certainly wouldn’t have chosen to keep dating her, but the producers knew it made for good TV. Gross.
  • Tamara Lilek
    I just love this! I was trying so hard not to laugh while reading this (reading blogs during work does that (I’m really not proud of that)). I decided that I won’t be watching this season of the Bachelor, but after reading this … I think I might just have to watch it – if it is half as entertaining as your recap, I just have to! :)
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      Sorry to be such a negative influence:).
      • Tamara Lilek
        It’s ok (in Juan Pablo’s voice and accent ;) ) It’s been a great fun watching the show this season so far – it seems like they really tried to find the weirdest bunch of women so far :D And as far as Chris goes … man, he’s reallly working out with that tongue of his!
  • Niki
    Jenn – As usual, laughs all around. This write up was hilarious. Keep the recaps coming.
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      I may have to now. It gave me purpose in watching!
  • http://therossettoblog.com/ Emily Penner
    And that about sums it up! Love it!
  • Mallory Frantz
    This just may have become my absolute favorite post of all time! I hesitantly admit that I too watch the Bach and have a fantasy league called “Bitches and Roses.” The classy lady that twerked on a bathroom wall is from the beautiful state of Colorado and just so happens to know a few people that run in my circle. Twerk Central even graced the pages of TMZ – I can’t imagine what could possibly be in store for her AFTER THE FINAL ROSE… Thanks for the good laugh!
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      You’re just the right age for going on this show, but if you … I may disown you. Just have fun talking about it with me instead:). I love the idea of your fantasy league!
  • http://missnutralicious.com Miss Nutralicious
    I love everything that you write. You know you’re a good writer when you convince someone who has never had any interest in “The Bachelor” to start watching. Thanks to you, I now feel the need to learn more about the mating rituals of Iowa farmers. Will there be any future siblings for Kale? Perhaps a little Chia seed? I guess I need to start tuning in. Thanks for the recap!
    • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight
      Haha! Thank you so much!!