My husband is out of town, and I’m REALLY tempted to cheat.
I am really not feeling like myself this week. I feel edgy and irritable, and like I’m about to jump out of my skin. Vinny has been in L.A. since last Thursday and while I’ve never cheated before, I fear I am growing dangerously close. The temptation is killing me, and I’m dying to take this edge off.
Seriously, this Whole 30 crap is getting on my last nerve, and I really want to throw in the towel.
What did you think I was talking about?
So, I already knew this about myself, but extremes are not for me. I am pretty good at moderating myself, and I’m not enjoying the hard fast rules of the whole 30 program. I’ve noticed a real spike in moodiness, crankiness and even mild depression over this past week, and it’s not physiological. The psychological effects of being told everyday that I can’t do something I want to do are very real for me. Sometimes I want just a little piece of chocolate after dinner. I can eat tons of avocados, but I have nothing crunchy to scoop them up with, which just feels like a crime against Tex-Mex. And of course, I am longing for a cup of coffee with cream and light sugar in the morning. To be honest, I don’t wake up as enthusiastically or easily as I usually do because I don’t have coffee to look forward to. Is that pathetic?
Last night, while waiting for the “historic” blizzard to actually touch base in New York City (spoiler alert- it never did), I made a pot of pulled pork and butternut squash chili, and it was bangin’. BUT I couldn’t stick any Fritos in it or grate my own snowstorm of sharp cheddar over the top, and it truly felt like less of a comfort. Afterward I whined to my mother on the phone, “THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE!”
So why am I still doing this to myself? If I’m just gonna bitch and whine about it, why finish?
There are two key reasons why I won’t quit. The first one is the promise I made to Vinny, who actually has it much harder than me this week, as he’s out of town and hanging out with a friend he enjoys sharing large boxes of donuts with. If you’re going to travel anywhere on this diet, I imagine L.A. is probably a really good one, but I know it’s still really, really tough to eat this way away from home, so if he’s going to stick to it, so am I.
The second reason is to prove to myself that I actually can do it. It’s quite rare that I set a deadline for myself and make it, so having a bit of determination and sticking to a goal I set for myself is important to me. Plus, I mean, sheesh. If avoiding sugar and dairy and carbs for a few weeks is my biggest hurdle in life, I’ve got it pretty effing good. Plus we’re so close! A week from today, we’ll be totally done.
So today, because I already called all my clients and cancelled their appointments in anticipation of an EPIC and HISTORIC blizzard, I will stay home and indulge myself in things I love to do. I will play records and write. I’ll take a long stroll through the snowy neighborhood. I’ll probably eat another bowl of chili and softly weep because I cannot pair it with cornbread.
And I’m going to bake some cookies.
Because that’s what the human brain tells you to do to feel cozy on a snow day. You bake. So I will.
I won’t eat them, of course. I’ll roll the dough into a ball and pop it into my freezer so Vin and I can share hot, fresh, sweet, delicious cookies at the end of Day 30.
Sometimes we celebrate with food.
So shoot me.
I told you I was edgy this week.